I Hope This Is The Last Hiccup

What else can go wrong with this pregnancy? Obviously I’m being dramatic when I ask this, since I’m aware of how many complications can occur during pregnancy. But I’m really hoping this is the last hiccup we come across with this baby. So before I get into the issue that has recently came up in this pregnancy, let me give you a back story so it doesn’t seem like my concerns are out of nowhere. 


Maybe be graphic for some viewers

May contain strong adult language

I’m just going to jump right into it. We all know that people have sex. That’s how babies are made, except for mine. But we’ve learned this in Health class, am I right? For some, sex is more important than it is for others. It’s definitely important to my husband and I. I can’t really say it’s more important to him than me or vice versa, it really just depends on the time of month for both of us. But for the most part our sex life has been healthy, well it was before Emerald was born.  As you can imagine or relate, finding time to be intimate has been difficult these past two years. But we’ve managed to come up with a schedule that works for both of us. Of course things come up and there are periods where we skip our days, but not often. I make sure of that. We’ve been together for almost 12 years, so I expect there to be dry spells. But  I don’t cope well when we go without being together for too long. I start to freak out, I accuse him of being unfaithful. I start criticizing myself, asking him what am I doing wrong. It’s ugly.  There’s this desire for one another that makes both of you feel adequate, sexy, and sensual. All good things, and once that stops what happens? You don’t feel sexy or desirable. What’s a woman to do but go off the deep end? Looking at it rationally is not possible so I normally throw all common sense out the window and act like an under sexed beast woman.  


Finally, the reason why I’m making a post about our sex life and posting it on the internet where everyone can read about it, I recently found out I have Placenta Previa. I had it when I was pregnant with Emerald, but it was partial and eventually moved before it was time to deliver her. Which is why I had a natural birth, if it hadn’t moved then I would’ve had to have a C- section. Having Placenta Previa can cause lots of complications during pregnancy. If you don’t know what Placenta Previa is, let me explain. It’s when the placenta attaches itself to my uterus low where it could completely or partially cover the cervix. So delivering the baby vaginally could be out of the question if it doesn’t move as your uterus grows. If the cervix is blocked baby can’t come out.  If it’s partially blocked, there’s a chance baby could be harmed during birth. Dangerous both ways.  But having Partial Placenta Previa, there’s a possibility the placenta will move upward as your uterus grows, which happened in my first pregnancy.

I’ve been experiencing light bleeding since the beginning of my pregnancy. I wasn’t too concerned about it at first, as I was diagnosed with Subchorionic Hematoma, a blood clot above my cervix, which can bleed while it’s resolving itself. But one day the amount and consistency changed. I noticed what looked to be a blood clot after I wiped. I kept seeing light pink as I continued to wipe which wasn’t normal. I normally look after I wipe to see if there’s any bleeding, I want to keep track of the amount, color, and how often I bleed so I am prepared for questions that might be asked when I call the nurse or doctor. Once I saw the clot, I freaked out. I called and made an appointment for the next day with a different doctor since mine happens to be on vacation. As I’m waiting, my anxiety is building. I can’t think of anything else that might be causing the bleeding. The last appointment I went to, the doctor said the hematoma was fairly small. He also said I shouldn’t be bleeding for that much longer.  That theblood I was experience was the last of the hematoma. So that’s what I was hoping to hear from this doctor. Reassurance that everything was finally settling down. Not the case. I asked about the hematoma and she said that it could still be a possibility as to why I’m bleeding. But it wasn’t a firm yes, which lead me to believe there could be another issue. 


Right away, I’m annoyed because I asked if I had Placenta Previa.  I’m not sure why I asked, now that I think of it, but she told me that I didn’t have it. She does an ultrasound and explains to  me where everything is, pointing out my placenta and cervix. And from the looks of it, my placenta is completely covering my cervix. My heart dropped. I knew it was Previa and I knew it might be worse since it was completely covering my cervix. As I’m leaving I see “Possible Previa” on my after visit summary. So now I’m on pelvic rest. Which means no sex! Sex can potentially cause bleeding and in extreme cases can cause the placenta to rupture. It’s not that serious for me, since I’m only spotting and not bleeding heavily. But I was devastated when the doctor told me no intercourse. What am I suppose to do for the next few months? I freak out If we go without having sex for more than 4 days and now I’ll have to wait months? It’s already been a week and the arguing has started. I’m accusing him of cheating on me more than a dozen times. When he comes home 10 minutes later than his normal time, I picture him going at it in the back seat of his car with a co worker. I know how long he lasts and that’s more than enough time to talk about their feelings, get into it, finish and go get a drink afterwards. I mean 10 minutes is a long time in my mind. Do you see what happens to me when I’m not getting any? If I get like that, I can’t imagine how he feels. 

Thinking about his steamy affairs in the back seat of his car and seeing myself as a huge gorilla in the mirror everyday, my sexiness is at an all time low. Before anyone thinks I’m selfish please understand that this is a mental issue. Going from a normal sex life to an abstinent lifestyle is difficult to say the least. Especially for someone who wants to have sex. Your brain is powerful and can cause permanent damage to your well-being when in an already fragile state (which I am currently in). And I keep reading that at this stage in my pregnancy I will experience an increased libido. What the hell am I suppose to do now? Increased libido but with no way to satisfy my needs due to a medical issue. This pregnancy keeps getting harder and harder. From the horrible nausea to the over whelming sense of hopelessness and now feeling like an unattractive beast that my husband no longer desires. How many more months again? I’m tired of looking at my husband as if he’s a really sexy and delicious banana split with extra nuts. 


Another serious issue is me not being able to have a natural birth. I was grateful to have gone through that experience with Emerald. Now, to think that I might not get the same opportunity to do it with this baby breaks my heart. Right now the best thing I can do is hope my placenta moves upwards as my uterus continues to grow. All I want is a healthy delivery and a healthy baby.  Placenta Previa is jeopardizing both. Which puts enormous amounts of stress on me. How am I suppose to get ready for this baby and take care of my toddler if I’m no longer able to function normally? If I walk for too long my pelvic area aches, followed by light spotting. If I need to do laundry or lift Emerald to change her diaper I instantly feel pressure in that same area and it’s very uncomfortable to move afterwards. Another thing I think about is how hard labor will be for me this time, since I haven’t been exercising as I did with Emerald. Do you see why I can’t relax? 

Love, Mama.