Here’s my situation. My cousin had prom this past weekend and her mom asked if I was available to take photos of her in her dress (I’m also doing her graduation photos). I thought this would help me get familiar with my camera and my new lens in a different scene, unlike photographing my daughter at our local park like I normally do. This would be a chance for me to practice. Like I stated in my previous post, practice is key. I want to take full advantage of every opportunity that is presented to me so I can grow my photography skills. I know this is part of the learning process, but I’m not a patient person.
I have this strong feeling that if I want to be a photographer, then it should come naturally. Leaving no time for me to develop into a decent photographer. I can tell you right now that photography does not come naturally to me. Photography has proven to be very difficult for me to grasp. I’m having such a hard time understanding the settings on my camera. I feel like being a photographer isn’t what I’m meant to do. Take motherhood for example; I’ve never been a mother, but in my opinion, I would have to say that I’m pretty good at it. There were times I struggled but it didn’t take long for me to smooth out the kinks and get the hang of things.
Once I’m at the point of frustration I know it’s time to move on. It becomes discouraging and therefore no longer fun for me. It’s frustrating and just when I feel like I’ve gotten the hang of aperture and ISO, I realize I don’t really understand because when it’s actually time to use it, I’m confused again. I can’t figure out the lighting, the sharpness, everything. I lose control of my camera and when I see the photos I took, I’m disappointed. It shouldn’t be this hard for me if it’s what I love to do. That’s when I lose interest. Not because I don’t like it anymore, but because I’m tired of failing. It’s been like this for everything I loved and tried.
I’m at the point where I feel like there’s nothing else I can do to improve my photos. I start to google the issues I’m having and there’s never a clear answer. Could be the lightening, could be the camera, could be the lens, could be the settings. Yet after watching a ton of youtube videos, I’m still lost. Then little by little more doubts creep up and before I know it all of the excitement is gone. I’m angry at myself for even trying, and I take it out on my husband. All I keep thinking is “I suck at everything. Why would I be good at this? I’m never going to be good anything. Why can’t I be successful like other photographers on Instagram? Why can’t I be like them? Why is it so hard for me? Why can’t I just get it? I’m so upset with myself. I really dropped the ball with these photos.” Do you remember a time where you did something that you were disappointed you did, and every time you remember that moment you get angry and want to cry? Well I’ve had plenty of those moments, and all I can say is “add this one to the list.”
I’m having a bad week, that could be the reason this post is so negative. I’m going to chalk it up to stress. Stress has a way of eating away all of your positivity and it draws out the negativity. Letting it out is helping. As I type this I feel the weight of disappointment being lifted from my shoulders. I need to get back to basics, as my husband would say. I need start taking photos again just for fun.