A question I get asked a lot is “ how are you feeling?” and I’m not always sure how I want to answer it. Should I be honest and just let everything spill out or do I pretend everything is wonderful and say I feel great? It’s really hard for me to share my true emotions for the fact that I am lucky to be pregnant. I always think to myself that I shouldn’t complain about being sick or having hormonal outbursts because this is what I asked for when we decided it was time for another baby. But this is my blog and if what I am about to say offends you then I understand if you no longer want to read it.
I was naive in thinking that this pregnancy would be the same as it was when I was pregnant with Emerald. I know not every pregnancy is the same even for the same mother; I know pregnancies can differ from one to the next. But for some reason I thought they might be similar, you know? I wasn’t too sick with Emerald so I thought maybe I’ll get sick but probably no more than a few times here and there. Small similarities between the two. I went into this thinking it was going to be like my first pregnancy and thought to myself this pregnancy was going to be a breeze. In a sense, I felt calm knowing that I was prepared for it. But this pregnancy has been tough and it’s only been two months. I hear a lot of people say that the first trimester is the worst and I didn’t believe it until now. My first trimester when I was pregnant with Emerald wasn’t memorable. I can’t for the life of me remember how I felt, I can’t remember which symptoms I had, or how severe they were. I definitely don’t remember being so exhausted when I was pregnant with Emerald.
I’ve been in this is a reoccurring mood where I don’t want to do anything. I’m tired, I’m tired all of the time. It’s hard to get out of bed in the mornings, even when I have a little munchkin pushing on my face saying “wake up mommy.” Hearing her say that in the sweetest little voice kills me. She senses I’m not myself and she’s trying to help me be present in her life. At least that’s how I feel. It hurts me to see her playing in her room while I lay down or if she wants me to play with her and I have to keep telling her no. She’s not use to not having me there to play with her. We use to go on walks and I would dance with her in the mornings, we’d run from room to room playing tag. Now all she sees me do is sleep. It’s affected me so much that I feel as though I’m failing her. I’m always crying and I’m constantly asking myself “did we make the right decision to have another baby?” And sometimes it’s hard for me to be excited about this pregnancy because of how much hurt it’s causing me. The exhaustion is causing me to lose interests in everyday activities, in anything I use to find joy in and I’m not coping well. I snap at Emerald because she’s not understanding how tired I am and that’s been difficult. The only time I feel calm is when my husband is home and it’s because I don’t have to keep disappointing Emerald, he’s home so he can play with her. It helps me, knowing she’s getting some interaction with someone, instead of just sitting in front of the TV. There’s another culprit as to why I’m always in a bad mood, nausea.
Around 7 weeks is when nausea really hit. I kept asking when would I feel pregnant because I didn’t have any symptoms right away. I kept watching videos on Youtube about how I should be feeling at 6 weeks, and they kept saying they were having morning sickness. So I immediately thought something was wrong. Maybe it was the first signs that I was going to have a miscarriage, but it showed up. At first it was all day everyday, from the moment I woke up to the time I went to sleep. I haven’t actually thrown up but the constant feeling as if I needed to is intense. It hurt my body. I thought it was the flu but I didn’t have a fever or other symptoms that you would normally get when you’re sick. I just kept feeling achy and nauseous, and because of that I didn’t want to eat which made it worse. The medicine I’ve been taking for almost 10 weeks causes me to bloat. The pain from bloating is awful. It causes my stomach to feel tight and when it’s really tight I feel sick. So on top of feeling tired and sad, my body is hurting as well. I go days without leaving the house, I cry and wish this feeling would just go away. After a almost three weeks of this, the nausea eased up, now only happening later in the afternoon. It comes right after lunch so dinner is a struggle for me, I normally eat fruit or a bowl of ice cream. For some reason milk and fruit help calm my stomach. One thing it doesn’t help are the mood swings.
I’m up and then I’m down, it’s that fast. Right now even the smallest issue is a life ruining catastrophe. I’ve had countless break downs, which has caused issues in my marriage. I have a love hate relationship with my husband right now. I want him home with me but when he’s home I want him gone. It’s the craziest thing. I’m a complete mess right now, and I’m really looking forward to the second trimester. I want to enjoy this pregnancy and I want to be my normal happy self again. I don’t feel connected to this baby which is ironic since the baby is literally connected to me. I have to remember I won’t feel sick forever, there is an end in sight. I just have to be positive and hang on. This ride will be over soon. Because once this pregnancy is over and I have my little baby in my arms, I’ll be wishing I were pregnant again. Isn’t that how it works?
This is just a recap of how I’ve been feeling lately. A run down on my symptoms because I won’t be posting weekly videos on how I’m feeling. The weeks are flying by and I can’t keep up, so I’m skipping those this time. To some it may sound as though I’m ungrateful, and I was hesitant to write a post like this but I wanted to be honest. Feeling alone and helpless is hard, especially when you feel all the pressure of being an outstanding mom and glamorous pregnant woman on your shoulders. And I know I’m not the only one who has gone through this and I know I won’t be the last. So I wanted to post this in hopes it will help someone else who is going through it. Infertility affects so many things, and the one thing it’s really good at is encouraging guilt. But I need to remember I shouldn’t feel guilty for not loving every moment of this pregnancy. It’s ok to say I wish the first trimester was over. It’s ok for me to say I’m not happy, and it’s ok for me to talk about all of the negative feelings I’m having at this point. I’m human, regardless of how we conceived. But I am grateful for this pregnancy, I’m relieved that it didn’t take long for us to become pregnant. And I am thankful that everything is going well, I’m going to get through this and in the end it will all be worth it. Be kind to yourself, be kind to others, and be kind to expectant mothers, you never know what emotional struggles one is going through. And you might be the person to lift up their spirits.