My blog has be on a hiatus for over a month now and here is why. There are small amounts of happiness in my life and a long tunnel of darkness without an end. My doctors say it could be postpartum depression but it could just be depression with a side of anxiety. I’ve mentioned in a couple of my instagram posts that I’ve been suffering from depression; but I didn’t want to talk about until I was professionally diagnosed. I was in denial for awhile, I kept ignoring the signs, thought it was impossible for me to be depressed. Embarrassed that I could be this weak minded. Some of it was mom guilt, you know, how could I be sad if I have the girls I’ve always wanted. Or I can’t be sad or tired because I asked for this. I know that a lot of the anger comes from my marriage and is directed towards my husband. It has to do with the lack of support from my husband. Thats where it started, I became disappointed with my marriage and my husband. It doesn’t help that my husband feeds my guilt. He always manages to make me feel worthless. I’m not saying he does it intentionally because I don’t believe he does. I can understand how he would think I could handle his criticism and his harsh words because I have int he past, but this me can’t.
I’m irritable from the moment I wake up until the time I go to bed. Which is a symptom. I have so many negative thoughts about my body, the type of mother I am, and hating myself for everything that didn’t go right in our day. It’s difficult for me to remember things. It’s hard to concentrate on anything. I have no desire to be creative anymore. The list goes on. I honestly don’t know how I’m functioning from day to day. I see what I do in a day and it’s amazing since I have don’t want to any of. My body feels heavy, my mind racing with all of these what ifs, and all of a sudden my brain just shuts down. I cry and I cry. I feel hopeless that I’ll ever be who I was before my depression. I see my life slipping away because of this depression. And the worst part of being sick is how lonely it is and how empty you feel. It has engulfed my mind and heart; I feel like I’m drowning in all of my disappointments. Before it was me needing to connect with my husband again which is why we started seeing a marriage counselor but somehow it evolved into self hate. I’m disconnecting from my body.
I’ve learned that if you try to talk to someone about how sad you are and they themselves have never felt this type of sadness before is a mistake. Even when the other person has suffered from depression they can only relate to you to an extent because it’s different for everyone. You have the people who try to give you tough love, you know the “ You just need to snap out of it, and pull yourself together.” Or you have the one that can’t relate to you at all (my husband) and tries to treat you the same as they did before you became sick. And how can that help? I found myself getting upset with my husband but unable to tell him how he could help. People suggest talking about how you’re feeling since holding it in isn’t healthy, but I’ve found that it doesn’t help at all. For me it did more damage than it did good. It didn’t help me because most of the things that I need are so simple and small that if I were healthy and not depressed wouldn’t effect my mood as it does now. I could give myself the pep talk I need to get through the day. I wouldn’t need my husband to do these things for me because I was capable of doing them myself. You see your old self disappearing everyday. How scary is that? I was terrified of losing myself, so I decided I need to work on myself before our marriage. We stopped seeing our marriage counselor in June and I started seeing a therapist in July. Seeing my therapist has helped with communication with my husband and others. It hasn’t helped the way I’ve been feeling but it has helped take away the stigma of mental illness for me. I’m learning that depression is common, disappointment is inevitable and I need to love myself.
I’m going to end this post here before it’s too long and no one reads it. But there is so much more that I want to talk about. I’ll be posting part 2 in a couple of days.